THINE PARADOX

 Out of the corner of my eye, I saw you smile.

It was a dream come true. There you should with those who understood you best but rarely knew you for who you are.  The world felt at ease around you and somehow you seemed to have enough strength. Strength to laugh at all the little jokes they told and smile without a fear or a care to the world.

 It seemed unsure and uneasy, yet you smiled.

You seemed to have convinced that you were fine after all worst could happen. Life doesn’t always revolve around but a single person or ideal. The world is big and the only to make that one best choice is to explore and make selections. Variety after all is the spice of life.

Serene was my mind, yet broken was my heart.

I looked on and wished I could pass but like Medusa your face have me transfixed. The moment felt realistic but somehow fall. Like I had being locked into a virtual reality with no access point to log out of. So there I stood soaking in a smile and a moment that was neither fake nor real.

I wondered what made you smile.

Your friends did mean a lot to but was it all them? Was it a moment’s thing or an inside joke? Or was it the new spring to life you had found? Was it being like Dora and exploring that made the world seem a hint more joyous and fun to be in or just being away from me?

It seems like you sense me cuz you never raise you head.

Sometimes we feel like we’re being watched and when someone focus so much on us not only does our spirit know it but our body responds to. So I guess it was natural of you to avoid contact with me. A face-to-face was the worst that could happen. All could be awkward and weird in a shirt span of time.

I never look in your direction.

As much as I try to I don’t look that long for it feels weird to me. When someone becomes someone that you used to know the tenses in the relationship with the person becomes past and as such you see no need to bridge in back into the present or hopefully the future.

Not because seeing you explodes my mountains of pain.

I wonder if I still feel like I used to. Feelings of hope and expectancy. That’s what we had. A moment wasn’t enough we wanted the entire sands of time to ourselves. Be free and find out what the world has to offer. Maybe I gave too much and now I have nothing more to give but just an empty hollow frame.

Nor does it boil up my pot of rage.

Emotions sometimes are deadly and they swell up till we can’t control them anymore. It’s hard to lose but it’s even harder to be lost when you felt that you had the coordinates you need. Gingerly we sometimes wonder why those who walk away do. Aren’t we good enough or we just weren’t meant to last?

Seeing you reminds me of what I have lost and will never get back

The saddest part about lose is not the losing process it’s the fact that what you’ve lost is never coming back and I always get reminded of it. I tend to see you more often even without intending to and the world tries to make me forget by reminding me about you even more. It’s always a ringer-ringer-Rosie session.

So yes, I’m a coward for leaving.

The world keeps saying things to inspire people to fight some more. ‘Thing’s like quitters never win’ or ‘when the going gets tough the tough gets going’. Wordplay makes everyone feel so smart and an idea generator about stuff but sometime people just get tired cuz ‘if it’s meant to be, it will be’ they say.

But you’re a bigger coward for leaving before the battle began.

Fear is not that easy to control I understand that now yet it doesn’t mean I forgive it. When you feel like everything is a big show and you can walk out anything well that’s unfair. Chances appear for all to fight, yet sometimes the world tells us the only way for people to be happen is if we leave them when they need us most.

I am jealous of how easily you smile and hide your pain.

If only I want so weak breaking down to the world about how I’m lost and forgotten. You seem to do it effortless yet when I do it I get called cold and distant. Perhaps I should see a counselor to be counseled on the way of a uranium heart so that I may also smile and cry no longer in the light.

Trying to get there, I became inhumane to those who stayed.

I shunned the world and felt there was no need for it. I no longer cried yet I became colder, darker, and denser to break through. Someone mentioned that I had built more walls. It feels more than walls it’s like a mix of the Great Wall of China and the walls of troy all infused with uranium and admantium.

I wish I had a reason for writing this, guess il just retire and cry myself to sleep.

I was nice seeing you again. Even though it would have been better seeing you closer, I guess you are happy wherever you are. Loss, pain, love, hate, are all part of the process of being human and even though sometimes it doesn’t go as we please, we can still take solace that we get another day to give it a try again.